Today is the biggest day of my career thus far.

I got hired to photograph the Billboard Magazine Oscar Dinner and After Party.
I'm not nervous, but I'm afraid I will be.

This all seems very silly.
I don't feel like this is my life anymore.

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: I hold the sound - the thermals

The last month feels like a blur.
Things are slowing down now though. I feel like I can breathe.

I'm going to London to visit Mo for Thanksgiving. Pretty excited. I've never been to Europe and I looking forward to experiencing it.

This strike is ruining my life. I support it though. If you're unfamiliar with it and want to learn a little bit about it 3 minutes watch this:

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Nerd - She Wants To Move

I feel like my childhood is slipping through my fingers.
Most of you know, it usually seems that my number one goal in life is having fun. That's because it usually is. I like having fun. People like having fun. It's fun.
But,
this year it really seems that adult world has completely taken over my life.
I am ALWAYS working. Two days a week I have class from nine in the morning until eleven o clock at night. The rest of the week is packed with film crew gigs, central casting gigs, being a photographt assistant for a fashion photographer and doing my own photography and screenwriting.
I never sleep and whenever I hang out with my friends all we end up doing is talking about or working on some project.
Being on set for 16 and 17 hours a day doesn't even seem strange anymore.

Blah, my life as I knew it is over.

Career first....even before fun. :(

Current Mood: restless
Current Music: Your Future - The Thermals

i am having so much fun.

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Where There's Gold - Dashboard

Back in LA.
The new apartment is amazing. Good location, huge, and I got a killer deal on it.
It's strange. The second I was back I felt different. I really feel like I am supposed to be here, and I've never felt that before. I think I like it.

My photography is going well. I have an interview tomorrow to shoot stills for a film, and in two weeks my studio in my apartment will be fully ready to shoot. This is a good creative outlet for me and it helps pay the bills. Despite how much I love photography, I really want to write. I feel like I'm supposed to share my views and the way I feel to the world. Writing TV and Film seems like the thing for me to do to fulfill that. I just finished a draft for a short that I intend on producing and directing myself hopefully before the end of the year.

I need to do this.
For me.

Current Mood: high
Current Music: Boys Like Girls - Dance Hall Drug

I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded bus station and everyone's moving so fast to where there going that their skin beings to blur with the background. I'm yelling at the top of my lung's "your life is meaningless, it' meaningless. Don't you understand it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter where your going. this means nothing."
No one even looks in my direction. They all just keep going like it isn't true.

In a journal,
my real journal that I keep (mostly filled with intoxicated coming-down thoughts), I once wrote this:

"Sometimes I am afraid that the world is so thinly put together and frail and we are all just passing the time until our own little sky begins to fall on top of us. You can scream and yell that the sky is falling but no one will listen or understand unitl their own begins to do the same."

I think I really meant it. And I think it's true.
Maybe now more than ever.

Current Mood: high
Current Music: white stripes

I have killed myself giving a second.
It wasn't worth it

Hey, you know what else isn't worth it?
Being sober and clean.

I'm going back to LA as soon as possible.
I never plan on being in the "right frame of mind" again.
I doubt if I'll write in here anymore, I'm very serious about everything this time because now I know for sure that nothing is worth it and everything really always is the same.
If you never call me to even talk again, I can gauruntee I won't care.
I'm not going to feel anymore, and that is best.

Jessica was meant to be alone
and disconnected

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: clap your hands say yeah - the skin of my yellow country teeth

This afternoon I have started myself on a new life plan.

I am going to more productive during my stay in Florida (I have done almost nothing worthwhile since being here)
This involves smoking less pot and more writing
This pilot should have been done three weeks ago and I only have three pages written.
Hopefully this won't make me too grouchy.

I also am getting an xl2.
And lights!
Oh happy day!

Current Mood: determined
Current Music: neutral milk hotel - holland, 1945

You'll have to excuse the last entry.
I'm really not upset about my life, because the truth is it isn't bad at all. Being back home in this town makes me depressed so I just think my sucks. Lucky for me I'll only have to endure it another three weeks.

Current Mood: high
Current Music: the libertines

all i can think are sad things
and i don't have much hope for the future

even if nothings is wrong
it still isn't right

and thats the way it's meant to be